Ever wonder what it’s like to kiss your husband goodbye in the morning, only to discover years later he was off binding, torturing, and killing innocent people? Welcome to the nightmare reality of Paula Dietz and her children.
I’ve spent countless nights falling down the BTK rabbit hole (much to my husband Ryan’s dismay—”Can we PLEASE watch something that won’t give you nightmares for once?”). But lately, I’ve become obsessed with a different angle: what about the family who lived with this monster and had absolutely no idea?
The Picture-Perfect Lie
Dennis Rader—church president, Boy Scout leader, compliance officer, and oh yeah, serial killer—maintained the ultimate double life. In 1971, he married Paula Dietz, and they had two children, Kerri and Brian.
From the outside, they were the definition of suburban normal. Rader coached his kids’ baseball games and took family photos at Christmas. Meanwhile, he was meticulously planning his kills and sending taunting letters to police and media. Talk about compartmentalization (a skill most husbands use to separate “watching football” from “listening to their wives”—not murder).
His extensive criminal history shows he killed ten people between 1974 and 1991, all while maintaining his façade as a devoted family man. The cognitive dissonance is enough to make your brain short-circuit.
Living With a Monster (Without Knowing It)
The most chilling part? By all accounts, Paula, Kerri, and Brian had no clue. None. Zero. Zilch.
Imagine sitting down to Sunday dinner with a man who, hours earlier, might have been stalking his next victim. Or having him check your homework after he’d just finished writing a letter to police detailing his crimes. It’s like finding out your dad is Darth Vader, except worse because Darth Vader never pretended to be normal.
What’s fascinating (in that can’t-look-away-from-a-car-crash kind of way) is how Rader maintained this separation. According to criminal profiles, psychopaths like Rader excel at compartmentalizing their lives. They can literally shut off one part of their brain while activating another.
Paula reportedly never suspected a thing. She worked as a bookkeeper, attended church, and raised their children alongside a man who would become one of America’s most notorious killers. (And I thought my ex was good at hiding things when he claimed he “wasn’t seeing anyone else.”)
The Day Everything Shattered
February 25, 2005. The day the Rader family’s world imploded.
When Dennis was arrested, Paula was reportedly shopping for a Valentine’s Day gift for him. Let that sink in. She was buying a GIFT for the BTK Killer. I can’t even imagine the psychological whiplash.
Paula filed for an emergency divorce (approved in record time—the judge was like, “Yeah, this seems reasonable”). She has never spoken publicly about her ex-husband and essentially vanished from public life. Can you blame her?
Kerri Rader (now Rawson) has been more vocal, writing a heartbreaking memoir about her journey. She’s described the crushing realization that the loving father who taught her to fish was also a man who murdered a mother and her two children. The cognitive dissonance is enough to make anyone question their entire reality.
The Psychological Aftermath
The trauma experienced by killers’ families is profound and largely overlooked. These people are secondary victims who didn’t ask for any of this horror.
Kerri has spoken about years of therapy, PTSD, and the struggle to reconcile the father she knew with the monster revealed. She’s had to grapple with questions like: Did she inherit any of his traits? Could she have seen signs? Would she ever be able to trust her own judgment again?
According to psychological research, families of killers often experience:
- Severe trust issues (no kidding)
- Social isolation and stigma
- Identity crises
- Guilt by association
- Financial hardship
- PTSD and depression
I can’t help but think about all the true crime shows I’ve binged where the killer’s family is barely mentioned—or worse, portrayed as somehow complicit. The reality is so much more complex and devastating.
Moving Forward in the Shadow of a Monster
How do you rebuild your life when your last name becomes synonymous with horror? When your family photos might include Christmas morning pictures with a serial killer?
For Paula, the answer seems to have been complete disappearance. For Kerri, it’s been a painful journey toward understanding and healing, documented in her book.
The next time you’re deep in a true crime binge (no judgment—I’m right there with you), spare a thought for the families left behind. They’re dealing with a unique kind of trauma: mourning someone who’s still alive while reconciling their love with unimaginable horror.
Would I have known if Ryan was secretly a killer? I’d like to think so. But then again, Paula Dietz lived with BTK for decades and never suspected a thing. That’s the most terrifying thought of all—sometimes, the monsters wear the perfect disguise.