Normally I don’t write about current stories or those recently in the news but every now and then, there is a case that grabs my attention, really shakes me up, and I can’t walk away without talking about it.
And that is exactly what happened with a recent book I read about the 2009 Pinellas Park, Florida, murder of Sarah Rose Ludemann.
Only 18 years old at the time of her death, Sarah died because she loved a boy – a boy who isn’t worthy of giving a second glance, much less risking your life over.
Sarah’s story is terrifying in so many ways. It is a story symbolic of the burdens technology has placed on our youth and how lackadaisical parenting is a plague which has detrimental effects on society as a whole.
Please, if you have young children, teenagers, or plan to have children, spare me a moment of your time to share a story that should forever stay with you.
Especially during the most difficult parenting years.
Sarah Ludemann
Sarah Rose Ludemann entered the world on December 7, 1990. She was an only child to parents Charles Ludemann, a cab driver, and Gay Ludemann, a surgical nurse. Charles and Gay were natives of New York but, by the time Sarah came along sixteen years into their marriage, they had moved to Florida to be “warm and safe.”
For most of her childhood years, Sarah had been a little overweight. Although the weight issues never reached anything near morbid obesity or the likes, it didn’t stop other kids from teasing her about it or creating low self-esteem in a growing young girl.
In high school, Sarah was on a fast track to success. Charles and Gay were happy about their daughter’s high school curriculum focusing on a career as a veterinarian. This professional path, to her parents, was proof of her kind and loving nature as well as one that would bring their only child much success.
Then Sarah met Joshua Camacho and everything changed.
Sarah had never had a boyfriend before so when she met Joshua at 16, she fell head over heels in love. Joshua made her feel so special, Sarah told her parents when they questioned her love for a boy who obviously loved no one but himself and dated gullible girls from all over hell and half of Georgia. But being older parents, Charles and Gay had the patience and wisdom to let the relationship, hopefully, run its course and, of course, Sarah was an only child which typically results in more laid-back parenting.
Instead of running its course, however, the teenage love affair grew more intense. So much so that Sarah dropped her studies at her current high school and transferred to Pinellas Park High School to be closer to “her man.” Mr. and Mrs. Ludemann weren’t happy with Sarah’s decision but still clung tightly to hopes Sarah would someday “see the light” about Joshua and things could get back on track.
But Charles and Gay didn’t know about a very big problem. This problem was named Rachel Wade.
Rachel Wade
On February 27, 1990, Barry and Janet Wade welcomed their second and last child, and only daughter, Rachel Marie Wade, into their hearts and home.
Rachel grew up in an average middle class American home. She was happy and well-behaved. Rachel loved Disney princesses, reading, and drawing.
Something changed when Rachel turned fifteen though. A dark, argumentative side emerged. Rachel was sullen, fought constantly with her parents, especially her mother, about curfews, friends, clothing, or just whatever made her angry in general. And when Rachel didn’t feel things were going her way, she’d runaway.
At first, Barry and Janet would go in search of their daughter and drag her back home. But as the runaway incidents became more frequent, Rachel’s parents resorted to calling the police to look for their daughter. It happened so frequently, the Pinellas Park police officers became very familiar with the Wade family.
Mr. and Mrs. Wade soon came to realize a big part of their daughter’s problem was boys. She was crazy about boys and willing to do anything to make them like her. And once a boy liked Rachel, even if it was just for the easy sex she was providing them, she became obsessed over the guy. As a result, few relationships, if any, ended on good terms for Rachel but as soon as she found another interested boy, the vicious cycle would begin again.
By the early months of 2007, Rachel’s parents had had enough. Rachel had escalated to physically assaulting her Mom and Dad and now when she ran away, she didn’t even bother to lie and say she was with a female friend. No, Rachel, didn’t offer any explanation as to her whereabouts or with whom she had been. When Rachel told her parents she was moving in with a boyfriend, they didn’t try to stop her. She was a month shy of her 17th birthday.
That relationship was just as volatile as the one at her parents home. Several times the Pinellas Park Police was called to the apartment about domestic disputes. Eventually this relationship too ran its course, ending on a sour note, of course, but Rachel wasn’t too upset about it.
Rachel had met Joshua Camacho. And he was just the kind of bad boy Rachel loved to love.
Joshua Camacho
Jay and his younger brother Joshua Camacho were well known among their circle of peers in Pinellas Park. The boys were best known for the number of girlfriends they kept in play at one time, some of which had bore their children, and for depending on these gals for income as they seldom had a job.
Quite frankly, outside of their little group, most girls wouldn’t give these Dominican-Republic born, tattooed, arrogant, and unemployed guys a second glance but, for whatever reason, they were quite a catch among the Pinellas Park clan.
With promises of undying love rolling from their tongues as easily as most people breathe, the boys were modern-day Svengalis. And they each liked to keep their women “in check” with abuse and pitting them against one another. Physical confrontation in public places, hate-filled text exchanges, screaming-match phone calls, and road rage battles were a regular occurrence among “the Camacho girls.”
But Josh, as he was called, one-half of this dynamic duo, would take the game to far. And although he didn’t plunge the knife into anyone’s heart literally, he, in the end, will always have the taint of a lover’s blood on his hands.
Forever. And when you’re 21 years old, forever is a very, very long time.
Talkin’ Smack
Rachel was introduced to Josh through her live-in boyfriend and, as soon as they split up, she was keeping Josh’s bed warm. But she wasn’t the only one.
Josh was still sleeping with Erin Slothower, the teenage mother of his infant daughter, and he was seeing Sarah as well.
For a while, things worked out perfectly for Josh between Sarah and Rachel. Sarah had a curfew of 11 p.m. and Rachel, working at Applebee’s, didn’t get off work until most evenings until well after that time, so he was able to juggle them both. And, of course, there was still Erin but that insane relationship was manageable because, even when she caught him with other girls and went verbally psychotic on him in public, she always came back.
A few times, Josh and Rachel called it quits but, like the others, this only seemed to make her want him more and she always returned. The stormy relationship would usually start up again after Rachel left him crazy, rambling messages on his MySpace page about how she was over him, hated him, or had found someone else – or, on a particularly good day, all three.
Sarah and Josh were on-and-off again as well. But unlike Rachel, Sarah was seldom the one to call it quits. Not that she didn’t want to, but she loved Joshua, despite his constant infidelity, and couldn’t bear being away from him for too long.
The status of the relationships between these three seldom mattered, however, and the girls constantly tried to win the title as “the girl” of Josh’s entourage. The way they tried to accomplish this was by “calling out” the other.
One day might consist of a wild game of cat-and-mouse with cars through the streets of Pinellas Park while another might find a flurry of texts and voicemail messages threatening to kick the other’s “f***ing ass,” and a different day would find one of the two driving past the others house and shouting, “Come out and fight me” along with enough four letter words strung together to make a sailor blush.
There were cases of slashed tires, broken car mirrors, sidewalk showdowns of a verbal nature, and any other childish, trashy act that came to the mind of these little brains walking around in adult-sized bodies. But these only drew tears, never blood.
Yet, with hindsight, one should notice Rachel’s threats and taunts were always of a more violent nature than Sarah’s. While Sarah might threaten to pummel Rachel into the ground, in a manner of speaking, Rachel was prone to threats that involved murderous violence with a knife. After Josh and Sarah took a trip to New York and Sarah posted pictures of the getaway on MySpace, Rachel left Sarah a voicemail which said, “Please tell me Sarah why you would be a dumb-a** c**t and put a brand new picture of you and Josh at the beach on your MySpace. Seriously, I told you to watch your f***ing back and not to f***ing chill with him. I’m guaranteeing you that I’m going to f***ing murder you, I’m letting you know that now.”
Whether it was a feeling of foreboding or just a “cover your ass” kind of thing, either way Sarah Ludemann was smart enough to save Rachel’s messages.
And those recordings would one day serve to be the undoing of a smart-mouthed, desperate teenager who would learn the hard way that silence is always golden.
Honey, He Wasn’t Worth It
On April 14, 2009, Sarah Ludemann spent most of her day upset because she found out Joshua was again seeing Rachel. It was an old song and dance, but nonetheless heartbreaking to Sarah. And her despair only deepened when she checked Rachel’s MySpace and saw her rival had updated her status to say, “Lovin’ my boo.” It didn’t name Josh specifically, but Sarah knew well enough to whom Rachel was referring.
She sent Josh several texts speaking her mind about him and Rachel. When those failed to illicit a response from Josh, she sent another saying, “You say you love me but you don’t have the decency to text me back.” After a long stint of silence, Josh responded, “Bring the movies.” Although he hadn’t responded at all to her cries about the love triangle, she melted at this text and went bounding out the door to meet Josh.
Rachel wasn’t working at Applebee’s on this evening and had wanted to spend it in Josh’s bed but he’d brushed her off by saying he had to babysit for his 27-year-old sister Janet Camacho at her place.
Rachel didn’t trust Josh (go figure!) and drove by Janet’s to see for herself. She was outraged when she saw Sarah’s mother’s car parked in the drive. How could her man pick that overweight bitch with a curfew over her! Janet, Janet’s friend, Josh, and Sarah watched as Rachel drove past the house several times. Throughout the evening, Rachel sent wordy texts to Josh asking why he was with Sarah and several times he responded by telling her to go home, claiming he didn’t like her “no more.” Of course, those statements were simply to placate Sarah; he fully intended to “hook up” with Rachel after Sarah went home.
As the hour neared eleven o’clock (Sarah’s curfew hour), Rachel was still driving up and down the street, hurling out dares for Sarah to come out and fight her. Josh and Sarah decided it would be best for Sarah to stay there until Rachel gave up and Sarah sent a text to her parents telling them she would be late. Sarah told them she was finishing up a game instead of worrying them with the truth about Rachel’s obsessive behavior.
It was after midnight when Sarah knew she’d pushed her extended curfew to the limits and decided to leave. It had been a while since anyone had seen Rachel and Janet and her friend asked for a ride to McDonald’s, so Sarah thought she’d be safe.
The stories of what happened next are a jumble of self-serving lies designed to keep unruly kids out of legal trouble, but it goes something like this:
Ashley, a friend of Sarah’s and foe to Rachel, told Sarah that Rachel was at Javier Laboy’s house. Rachel, who put a kitchen knife in her purse earlier in the evening as “protection”, was standing in the street when Sarah came screeching to a halt in front of her car. Sarah, Janet, and Janet’s friend jumped from the van and rushed at Rachel. Somehow the knife made it from Rachel’s purse to her hands and, when the fight began, Rachel stabbed Sarah twice in the chest.
As Sarah lay bleeding in the street, panic erupted. On the phone with 911, Javier ripped off his shirt to try and stop the bleeding. Rachel calmly (or stunned, as she would later claim) walked over to a bench, sat down, and hurled the knife onto the adjoining neighbor’s property.
Josh rushed to the Ludemann’s home and told them Sarah had been stabbed and her father rushed to the scene. But he knew Sarah was gone. And an hour later at the hospital, his fears were confirmed.
Sarah Ludemann was dead, all because she loved a pathetic punk.
Get It Now?
Even after she was arrested and locked behind bar, Rachel still didn’t seem to comprehend the gravity of her situation. Talking with friends and family by phone, Rachel constantly made plans for when she got out. Rachel really believed a jury would see she was only defending herself. What happened to Sarah was Sarah’s fault, not Rachel’s.
Besides there had never been any real consequences for the things she’d done before, why should there be any now?
Oh, but there was… Following a trial by jury, Rachel Wade was convicted of second-degree murder and sentenced to 27 years in prison. If she can behave herself during her incarceration, she will be eligible for parole in 20 when she is 40 years old. If she is released at that time, she will have spent over half of life behind bars.
That’s an awfully hefty price to pay for a boy who wouldn’t know how to keep it in his pants even if given step-by-step instructions with pictures.
So Many Thoughts I Don’t Know Where To Begin
Many of Rachel’s friends don’t believe Rachel got a fair trial. They say the threats of killing someone is just how people their age talk and the jury was too old to understand it was “just talk.”
That has to be the lamest excuse I’ve ever heard. No, not everyone of their generation talks that way – only a select few. I know, because I’m a mother to children their age. I can assure you they do not threaten to kill people or race through the streets using a car as intimidation or drive down the street calling for someone to come out and fight. And I can tell you why. If they did, I would, as we say here in the South, “jack their jaws” for them and they wouldn’t breathe fresh air again until the day they could legally move out on their own.
There are so many things I see wrong in this case. Just to name a few:
- Rachel’s parents knewtheir daughter had a problem. Whether it be depression, low self-esteem, or whatever, they didn’t seek any help for her. Oh, they said they “might” reach that point but they never did. The Wades never even gave Rachel a small taste of consequence (sorry, with a child this out of control, “grounding” doesn’t qualify as real attempt at discipline) by filing a juvenile runaway petition the Courts. When she insisted on living with a boyfriend, they gave in and hoped for the best.
Look, I know you can’t make a horse drink but remember, you sure can walk him to the water! And nobody was walking this child. Nobody.
- I don’t fault Sarah Ludemann’s parents for not battling their daughter on the issue of dating Joshua. I understand their line of reasoning, but I do fault them for allowing an underage girl to decide to drop her plans for her future and change her high school – all for a boy. But I’m not going to say much more because I’m sure if they had it to do over again, things would be much, much different.
- No one was monitoring these kids’ internet or cell phone activities. Granted, Rachel’s parents had let her go so they were in no position, but the others involved (except for the mid-to-late 20-somethings who were way too old to be participating in this drama) were allowed to text and surf with no supervision. If someone, anyone, had been monitoring the goings-on of these kids they would have seen the danger lurking on the horizon.
And don’t preach to me about kids being entitled to privacy. Privacy does nothing for Sarah Ludemann, does it? As long as my children live in my home and use my internet and eat my food…you get the picture…they will be monitored. If I ever think I’m being overly strict, I’ll think of 18-year-old Sarah.
- The lackadaisical parenting, especially fathering, is abundant in this case. Both boys and girls need strong, firm-handed father figures but especially girls as they are, like it or not, the weaker of the sexes both physically and emotionally (not always, but most often) during these developmental teen years. Strong mothers are awesome but strong daddies keep the Joshua Camachos away; far, far away since they always avoid fathers who will see through their sniveling, manipulative, and pathetic ways.
There are so many more things I wish to say here, but I think I’ve said enough already. I’ll end by saying this: It is a cruel world we live in full of bullies and predators. It is very, very important that we be strong parents who clearly define our roles with our children. They have enough friends, they need parents. And part of parenting is being involved in every. single. aspect. of their lives – whether they like it or not.
As a matter of fact, Frank Barone of Everybody Loves Raymond said it best when he said, “If your kids don’t hate you, you’ve failed as parents.”
Please, also remember, children live what we teach them but mostly by what we show them. So let your children see kindness is a strength not a weakness; respect is earned not forced; hate will consume you, love will fulfill you; and actions have consequences.
For information on how you can affordably monitor your children’s internet and texts, visit Safe Eyes or AVG. And to read an absolutely fantastic book on the importance of a father’s role in his daughter’s life, I strongly recommend Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters by Meg Meeker.
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Thank you for that writeup – both the girls wasted their lives over a no- good punk….MTV videos depict guys like this to be cool and awesome but they’re definitely not. We need real men not some penis carriers. That guy sickens me and there are so many like that around.
Hear, hear Elicia! I couldn’t agree more!
Rachel Wade was a victim of circumstance. I do not believe and never will believe that this young girl had the intention to kill. In a fair trial, one is found guilty if the court can prove that the defendant has the intention, the means, and the ability to kill another. Rachel was out numbered of three to one: this alone places her at a disadvantage. Secondly, Rachel was in fear for what this car load of girls were going to do to her. In a chaos of angree teenage girls, there is no telling of what the capability of each girl had the potential of. So help anyone in our so called civilized west that should find themselves in a simular situation. Rachel Wade got a very raw deal. 27 years in prison for this girl is twice as much prison time as most second degree murderers get in other states and in other countries. This case was at worst a man slaughter case, but never a second degree murder case based on trash talk. All teens talk trash – this does not mean they mean what they say. I think the focus of the public who care about Rachel Wade and her unfair conviction and prison term, should be to try and convince officials to have her case reduced to man slaughter – not second degree murder.
They find fault with one
Who sits silent.
They find fault with one
Who speaks much.
They find fault with one
Who measures his words.
No one is found not at fault
In the world.
Mike Legare, Alberta, Canada
For Rachel Wade: A victim of circumstance:
Insight into the Four Noble Truths Condensed
The Heart of Buddhism
{Not Creeds, but Pragmatic Truths}
“This is a document I have placed together reflecting on eight individual lectures on the “Four Noble Truths” given by Soto Zen Master Gil Fronsdal and by Soto Zen Master Andrea Fella within the years from 2009 to 2012. I have transcribed, condensed and highlighted the significant points of these individual talks as they are largely the central teaching within Vipassana Buddhist practice”.
1. Suffering is to be understood. (Turning toward suffering, being present and aware for suffering). To study your suffering. Suffering is the watering hole of Buddhism. All the issues of life will become clear at the watering hole of suffering. To notice your suffering.
The Buddha said he only taught two things: “suffering and the end of suffering”. At first the Buddha was reluctant to teach. But at some point he decided to teach five individuals who were close to him. After the Buddha’s awakening, he saw the world in a new way. When it occurs:
• He saw suffering.
• He saw the craving that gives rise to suffering.
• He saw the termination (cessation) to suffering.
• He saw a path of life that followed from the cessation of suffering.
He saw these four truths as approaches to be utilized to bring about the ending of one’s suffering. The path as how you behave once you cease your compulsions, your clinging, your wanting or your craving. The four noble truths are a way of seeing rather than propositional truths. They are seen more as insights than creeds. They are to be viewed more as a way to behave in the world than beliefs or dogmas. The Buddha offered the four noble truths not as a “prescription”, but as a “description”. He didn’t offered them as, “This is what you should do or what you need to do”, but as recommended tools. Not as a belief, that these are the only truths, but as practical views to consider if one’s goal is to be freed of suffering.
The action is to fully understand your suffering. Not to believe in your suffering, but to turn towards it, to study it, be realistic about it and to not avoid it or push it away. There is a great value of turning towards your suffering. Because there is so much value in turning towards it, it was termed by the Buddha as a noble truth. Most people have a lot of experience at “ennoble suffering”. There is a grinding-you-down kind of suffering versus a suffering that withholds a dignity and nobility. The English Dictionary synonyms for nobility are: dignity, graciousness, decency, goodness, aristocracy, upper class, landed gentry and gallantry. There is nothing here that coveys mystifying or enchanting, but rather a well grounded quality of cordiality, decorum and civility.
2. The cause of suffering (clinging, craving or thirsting, resistance or a compulsive-desire) is to be abandoned (to let go of clinging).
Craving is desire which has a compulsive quality to it. Compulsivity is a type of craving which has a psychological and a physiological hold on us: Tension, stress, clinching, frustration and pressure. There are many different things that people cling to which equals suffering. The Buddha taught in his time that there are four general categories of subject matter that people cling to:
• Sensual pleasures.
• To self.
• To opinions.
• To religious and ethical practices.
Only you can let go of what you cling to. No one can learn for you. Only you can learn for yourself. There are some things that each individual can only do for themselves and letting go is one of them. For example, we may want to cling to anger or resentment, but what the task of the four noble truths are, is not to give you a direction of what to do, but to simply point to what is your contribution to your anger and the nature of your suffering around this? What is your responsibility to it? That if you suffer, there is something about the nature of your suffering that you yourself are contributing too. How is it that you are kind of caught in this suffering? It’s not meant to dismiss any injustice that may have happened to you, but is meant to point out, “can you deal with this issue appropriately without contributing suffering”? So to what degree is your psychological oppression something that you have actually caused yourself as opposed to something that is being caused outside of yourself? There are numerous examples of people who have been oppressed socially, psychologically, physically throughout history and yet many of these people have remained and maintained a beautiful inner dignity and freedom independent of what people have done to them.
One of the beautiful ways we can measure our ability to remain concentrated and independent of our cravings, compulsivity or obsessions, is through the discipline and practice of meditation technique. It can be revealed quite quickly to someone who has difficulty concentration as they sit to meditate that their mind is constantly pulled away from this moment and their focus on their own breath. The mind too often has a mind of its own. There is a compulsive quality that becomes revealed when one takes on the practice of meditation. As long as the mind is preoccupied with the consistency of being pulled away from the meditative focus; it’s clinging! When you can see this in meditation, you realize that clinging is much more a part of life than you have realized in the past. The five most common mental preoccupations in Buddhism are known as the “Five Hindrances”. The five hindrances are a theme that is talked about regularly in Vipassana Buddhist Practice. They can be understood as negative preoccupations that have a strong tendency to pull us away from the present moment. The five hindrances are:
• Desire (greed, sensual desire, all compulsive desire)
• Ill will (hate, resentments, animosity, hostilities, and delusions)
• Sloth (body) and torpor (mind) (all forces of lethargy, sluggishness, boredom)
• Restlessness and anxiety (worry)
• Doubt (hopelessness)
The deepest and most profound level of delusion is much more on a human level and it is broken down into four sub-categories:
• We tend to see what is impermanent as permanent.
• We tend to see what is unreliable as reliable in terms of our own happiness is concern.
• We tend to see what is not-self as self.
• We tend to see what is beautiful, that which is non-beautiful (Our fingernails, hair, surface layer of our skin and more – all of which are already dead).
This is a kind of delusion that does not mask experience, though we are actually connecting with the experience. In other words, it is masking the true nature of reality. We are seeing the experience and meeting the experience, but not meeting it in its true reality. There is an obscuring of the true nature of the experience.
Another way that the five hindrances are appreciated in Vipassana is that they are understood as avoidance mechanisms. Avoidance strategies the mind picks up as to not deal with the actuality of the present moment or the actuality of present predicament, situation and or root cause to the latter. Avoidance mechanisms to sincere deep rooted investigation needed to uproot the cause to our suffering.
One of our great addictions is to thinking itself. Through the practice of meditation and as one becomes more concentrated, one becomes relatively more calm and still – in body and of mind. The mind is like a muscle which is strengthened through the act of meditation. If you can’t let go of your concerns, it becomes revealed quite quickly through meditation haw actually tight you are wrapped around these concerns. So part of the practice of Buddhism is not only to understand our suffering, but our understanding of our clinging tendency that is connected to it. Sometimes it’s clear to see and sometimes it’s not so clear to see.
Letting go doesn’t mean letting go of healthy things, ideals, practices, but what you let go of is your clinging to it. Clinging is like a fuel for more clinging – it becomes a self-perpetuating phenomena or cycle. Clinging begets more clinging – like adding fuel to a fire. So if you can get rid of the fuel, the fire dies down. The object of our desires is not the problem, but our clinging and our attachments to the objects are where the problem resides.
Of course there are a variety of things that create suffering that don’t necessarily arise out of craving; for example, the death of a loved one or the physical pain of throwing your back out. However, it’s a circular thing in Buddhism that the kind of suffering that Buddhism addresses is the suffering that arises out of craving or compulsive attachment. Therefore, in Buddhist practice it’s safe to say that craving is the cause of suffering. This is important to understand and address otherwise you’re going to end up in conflict with Buddhist practice. Further, suffering arises due to our attachments to such external conditions as comparing ourselves to others or of what is known in Buddhism as the “Eight Worldly Dharmas”:
• Profit and loss.
• Slander and honor.
• Praise and blame.
• Pain and pleasure.
3. The cessation of suffering is to be realized. (To see a stopping or ending of suffering or the ending of the grasping of which gives birth to that suffering).
The concept here is to be able to let go without the urge to grasp onto to something else to cling to for security. That is to stay within the cessation of letting go, without the tendency to pick up again. An open hand is relaxed and much more useful than a tense fist. Once a fist is released, a softening occurs. The fist and the mind are synonymous.
There are all kinds of hidden forms of clinging: clinging to opinions, stories we tell ourselves, delusions, wanting to be right, wanting to win, impressions we want to make on other people, to pleasures, emotions, comforts, securities, sensual-pleasures, material, intoxicants, religions, practices, politics, social norms, beliefs, philosophies, to self-concepts, our wanting and to our resistances.
Some of the most beautiful qualities of the human heart and mind can only be realized when the mind has been freed, stilled, quieted and let go of the tendency to constantly reach out for something to cling to.
This form of letting go is not synonymous with letting go out of (aversion). For example letting go out of the tendency to throw away or wanting to get rid of or push away something. By letting go out of a form of rejection, you have not abandoned clinging but rather have strengthened it. Not to let go out of rejection, but rather to be at peace with letting go without hostility or pushing away. By realizing cessation, we discover the un-usefulness of what we were clinging to. Our true intensions become clear when we let go of clinging to our virtual reality (delusions). When we don’t cling, infinite possibilities become clear. We let go by first realizing we are clinging and then by a deliberate choice to no longer grasp onto the concept of our clinging. Realizing it is our clinging, which inevitably burns us and is the cause of our inner most mayhem and turmoil is a huge step towards awakening. There is wisdom in letting go: Wisdom in living a life free of clinging.
Further, the Buddha had some offerings of how we might acquire some peace in our lives. The following passage is how the Buddha suggested most people live their lives ordinarily from a narcissistic perspective.
“An ordinary person who’s is untrained in the dharma teachings, does not necessarily understand what things are fit for attention and what things are unfit for attention. That being so, that person attends to things that are unfit for attention and does not attend to things fit for attention.”
The Buddha suggests here that the way in which we attend typically; the way we tend to our experiences, our orientation, is through a sense of “I”, “me”, or “mine”: Through a narcissistic perspective where the world revolves around “me”, “myself”, and “mine”. The Buddha suggests that this is not a beneficial approach to our experiences – not for ourselves or for others from a community perspective. He suggests that this is attending unwisely. The Buddha gives an example of how the untrained individual attends to his or her experiences unwisely:
Was I in the past?
Was I not in the past?
What was I in the past?
How was I in the past?
Having been what, what did I become in the past?
Shall I be in the future?
Shall I not be in the future?
What shall I be in the future?
How shall I be in the future?
Having been what, what shall I become in the future?
Or else one is inwardly perplexed of the present thus:
Am I?
Am I not?
What am I?
How am I?
Where has this being come from?
Where will it go?
Though these questions are stylized, they present a profound example of how most people relate to their experiences: From a self-indulged perspective. Once we become more oriented to the inner workings of our own thoughts – this narcissistic tendency – becomes clearer and it is at this point that an internal shift in our perspectives can unfold and take place to become less self-oriented in terms of me, myself, and mine. The realization of not personalizing our experiences – that because you may have been wronged in life, does not necessarily have anything to do with you personally, but the situation it self or the other person or persons. It’s not always about me, myself, or mine. The world does not revolve around the “I am”. The Buddha offers here that it is not so helpful to “personalize” situations, actions and the intentions of others, which in most circumstances have absolutely nothing at all to do with us.
4. The eightfold path is the way in which we live our lives which cultivates a practice of living, so as to release our clinging. The foundation of which we perfect to release our clinging. We set up the conditions which support our ability to release our clinging:
• Right view.
• Right Intention.
• Right speech.
• Right action.
• Right livelihood.
• Right effort.
• Right mindfulness.
• Right concentration.
Right view and right intention have to do with the right approach to what we are doing.
Right speech, action and livelihood have to do with our behavior.
Right effort, mindfulness and concentration have to do with what we do with our minds or our inner life: The transforming of it.
Right view has to do with our understanding of the Four Noble Truths. Taking responsibility for how we cling. By placing the self aside and investigating, where’s the clinging? Where’s the grasping?
Right intention, has to do with the right attitude, or the appropriate approach. To have an attitude that is aligned with freedom from suffering. If the goal is peace, then an attitude of self-centeredness, selfish-desire, hostility, greed, corruption, deceit and cruelty are not aligned with a goal of peace. Selfish intensions of larceny and other forms of misconduct are not aligned with a goal of peace. Further, intentions of violence, pornography or of intoxicating the mind are not aligned with a goal of peace. An attitude of compassion, selflessness, warmth, friendliness, kindness and empathy are more aligned with the goal of peace.
Right speech has to do with speaking in such a way that is in harmony with the goal of peace. That much of our speech has to do with presenting ourselves to others or protecting ourselves in some way. Especially refraining from hostile and harsh speech is in harmony with the goal of peace. Refraining from untruths, divisional speech, slanderous speech, idle chatter and manipulative speech is in harmony with the goal of peace. Modifying our speech to be perhaps softer, calmer and more at ease is aligned with the goal of peace. Some people are addicted to their speech and any suggestion that they may need to modify their speech can in itself, become an area that may need investigation. Speech is interconnected with communication and so also includes our ability to listen well to others. It’s often heard in Buddhist circles that if you cannot improve on the silence, than remain silent.
Then the way we behave has a lot to do with our goal of peace. The Buddha taught that there were three behaviors we want to avoid doing at all costs if your task is to become free of suffering:
• Avoid killing or harming others and other forms of life.
• Avoid stealing or taking what is not given.
• Avoid sexual misconduct or harming others with your sexuality.
Right livelihood has to do with a livelihood that is in harmony with living a life that supports freedom from suffering. Does your livelihood help nourish or support the eightfold path or living a life free of suffering or is your livelihood simply about making money? So if your goal is to be free of suffering, the Buddha suggested one should avoid certain livelihoods. He suggested one should avoid livelihoods that have to do with:
• Killing or harming others (including all forms of life).
• Human trafficking, selling, enslaving or prostitution.
• Harmful to nature.
• Stealing or misconduct.
As for right effort, mindfulness and concentration, which have to do with what we do with our minds or our inner life, the Buddha suggested we avoid doing things which are harmful and do things which are un-harmful. This is a simplified version of it. So it means having some kind of capacity or awareness of what is happening within your mind and your external actions. To have enough attention to notice your own built up resentments, frustrations and impatience etc; that these are not helpful to living a life free of suffering: Then making the conscious effort to avoid these tendencies of thinking. Noticing that if you continue to think and feel in these ways, they do not support a healthy mental state or a helpful state of mind for you. The human mind is not a fixed state, but a process of malleable formations. One of the helpful states of mind the Buddha suggests is mindfulness (Vipassana) – being fully aware of the here and now without resistance to the circumstances of each unfolding moment.
So the eightfold path is similar to utilizing appropriate tools if one’s goal is to be free of suffering. For example, if one’s goal is to drive a nail into a peace of wood, the appropriate tool for the job would be a hammer – not a knife or a screwdriver. Again, these are pragmatic truths, not creeds, beliefs or commandments. For example, the pragmatic truth to avoiding an infection to an open wound would be to keep the wound clean. This is not a belief, but rather common sense.
The entire Four Noble Truths consists of an attempt to completely uproot the cause of suffering. If a person’s goal is to rid his or her garden of weeds, it doesn’t help to break the weeds at the stem or to only pull out a few weeds; one needs to pull all the weeds out at their root. So the uprooting of suffering requires allot of sacrifices, changes, disciplines and mindfulness in order to be successful: Efforts and actions require a full-hearted approach if one is to live without armor, defenses and illusions.
In time it stops becoming what we train ourselves in, but rather it starts to become what we are. Rather than training ourselves to be honest, we become honest. Rather than training ourselves to become calm and peaceful, we become calm and peaceful. Rather than training ourselves to be friendly, we become friendly. Rather than training ourselves to be compassionate, we become compassionate. Rather than training ourselves to be mindful, we become mindful. Rather than training ourselves to be concentrated, we become concentrated. In time, Vipassana ceases to become something we have cultivated, but something which expresses and exemplifies our maturity and our realization. It becomes more of who you are rather than something you do. The eightfold path has less to do with taking something on, and more to do with shedding all the things that are extra: Shedding of all the clinging, attachments, aversions and cravings that cover the purity of the heart and mind. The clarity and peacefulness of the heart becomes aligned with who we are and how we live our lives.
The Second Arrow
The Buddhist question is, “What is your response to what happens to you in life, good, bad, large or small”? is your response one that expresses the way you’re held in bondage or is your response one that expresses the way in which you are free? Does your response come from freedom or bondage? If we run away in fear, then we are in bondage. If we get swept up in hate and anger, then we are in bondage. If we get swept up in greed, corruption, and desires, then we are in bondage. If we get swept up in delusions, compulsivity and attachments, then we are in bondage. Some of the ways in which we become swept up in bondage, causes tremendous amounts of suffering to ourselves. To be held in the grip of fear or attachment of some kind causes suffering. To be caught in the thought that I cannot change or transform, that I have to remain in the way from which I know myself from my past is suffering.
When someone has discovered how to be free on the inside, how not to be in bondage and free of compulsions, then the individual has a certain assurance, a certain safety mechanism to draw from that they know that whatever challenges they com across – what ever happens to them in life, that they can meet that without adding additional suffering; adding the second arrow.
The Buddha suggested that if a man was struck by an arrow that this would be painful. Further, if the man was struck by a second arrow, that this would be even more painful. Approximately, if the first arrow is what life does to you, the second arrow is what you release, how you react and how you respond to the fist arrow being struck: What you do to yourself. There is no guarantee that life will not shoot arrows at the bare minimum of sickness, old age and death.
So when we are freed from psychological bondage, compulsivity, reactivity and attachments, we don’t add the second arrow of increased suffering. So we can walk into a situation and know we have the ability to remain at peace within ourselves. To act out of compulsive-bondage is in itself a selfish act. To not act out of bondage is a gift to you and to the outer community: That you are an individual that the community does not have to fear and that you are an individual that does not create further suffering: That you are a person that can act peacefully in the world in times of all dichotomies – success and loss; pleasure and suffering; ease and turmoil.
So if you want to be a lifeguard at the water’s edge, then you better learn how to swim first. In addition, as Bruce Lee had stated, “You cannot learn how to swim by sitting on the beach, eventually you have to get into the water”. The core and the practice of Buddhism is directed inward – to understand ourselves. So once this work is in transition or accomplished, then this translates to being a lifeguard rather than training to become one: Translates in such a way that helps the world in effective and useful ways.
So the story of Buddhism tells a story of bondage and release from bondage. The story of this release is a radical transformation of the heart. So that this radical transformation is a complete and lasting shift of how we live in the world and who we are where ever we go and to what ever situations we come across as we live our lives.
One who clings is agitated.
One, who clings not, is not agitated.
There being no agitation, one is calm.
There being calm, no craving exists.
Where no craving exists, there is no coming or going.
Where no coming or going exists, there is neither arising nor passing away.
Where neither arising nor passing away exists, there is neither this world nor the world beyond, nor a state in between.
This just this, is the end of suffering.
Awakening is seen by the absence of greed, hate, and delusion.
The Buddha
Source: Insight Meditation Centre Redwood City, CA
Soto Zen Master Gil Fronsdal Phd.
Soto Zen Master Andrea Fella Phd.
Teachings of the Buddha
Bruce Lee: Tao of Jeet Kune Do
English Dictionary
Mike Legare